Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
