we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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