I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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