Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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