it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
