we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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