some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
