apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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