I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
