I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
