Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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