Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
