I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize