who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
