Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
