You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My life is pants optional.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
