Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
