I just threw up on my dentist
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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