I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
