he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
