Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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