Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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