I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
