I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
