1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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