I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
