Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
