Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
