im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
