I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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