May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
