wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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