nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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