oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize