Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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