I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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