fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He passed out mid-signature
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
