Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
