Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I currently don't understand fingers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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