Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
