i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
