Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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