1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
