I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
