Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
