I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
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