i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
