i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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