Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
