I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
