I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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