I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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