He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
