I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
