Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How does one acquire holy water?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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