omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
