Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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