I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
