I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
