ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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