Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize